A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

A New Day Has Dawned. I Have My Own Domain November 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 7:03 pm

Hello all and welcome to a very historic day.  I have taken the leap to my own domain.  I figured if I was going to get serious with this stuff, now was the time.

So please correct your bookmarks and go to:


http://perfectlycursedlife.com/


 

This Message Will Self Destruct October 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:15 am
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I have been on a weird path recently.  I didn’t notice it until today, but as I drove home at an unusually early hour for the third day in a row after coming in somewhat tardy,  had to question whether I was subconciously telling myself something–I don’t know how long I can do this.

The past month of work has been ridiculously hectic.  Save the Anniversary Trip, if I didn’t live with The Mister and pass him in the halls of our home, I would not have seen him at all.  Mr. CVD and I haven’t seen each other more than once a week or even less in weeks before this week.  Yet during this time, while I felt useful and important, I didn’t necessarily feel fulfilled.  There were times when I did, but not on a constant basis in relation to all the things I was doing.

But now that things have calmed down dramatically for at least the time being, I’ve been thinking more.  If I wasn’t fulfilled by what I was doing when I was losing out on the rest of my life, what am I doing it for?

And I think that’s what my body has been telling me with the late arrivals and early departures.  Somethng in me is questioning my choices and ruining my ability to concentrate.  Instead I have these fantisiced notions of writing for a leaving (and not legal documents) and being able to write when I want, sleep when I want and live when I want.  I knew that a career in the legal field was not going to bring me those things, so why did I choose it, you ask.  I think the person that I was at the time either didn’t care what I wanted or wanted something different.

Therein lies the problem–if I’m constantly changing, constantly evolving, how do I establish myself in anythng?  Will I develop this same listlessness no matter what I do?  Will I be just as half-fulfilled in any line of work or mission in life?  And if I were truly fulfilled, would I even know it?

I have heard that anywhere from your first 3 to 10 years of practicing law are hellish.  I originally just thought that meant busy.  And yet I hear from nearly everyone I went to law school with, that the traditional legal path is either not what they expected or not what they want.  I find myself with these same concerns.  Are these things we learn to solve over time or are they things that we either learn to build an immunity against or do we just give up?  Or is there a choice that I don’t know?

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow in a motivated mood.  Maybe I’ll actually get up when my alarm goes off instead of setting it an hour forward or going to lay down on the couch.  Maybe I’ll eat a healthy breakfast and fully dry my hair.  Maybe I’ll go in early.  Maybe I’ll stay late.  Maybe I’ll make a to-do list and get everything on it done.

Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll just work my way through it, trying to find meaning, and finding nothing but empty promises. Promises that I made myself.  Promises that I believed that life made me.  Promises that I probably had no business believing in the first place.

I think the problem is that I started out my life too idealistically.  If my only goal were to make money, I guess I could just do that and survive.  But that’s never been my only goal.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I haven’t determined what those goals are yet.  And even though they may change,  I don’t think I’ve articulated a set of goals for myself in a very long time.

I love it when I find a solution to my own problem.  Or at least a pathway to a solution.  And that must be my mission, should I chose to accept it–determine what I want out of my career and my life and set up some milestones for myself.

Now back off…this message self-destructs.  I just hope that I don’t allow myself to do the same.

 

He’s a Mac, I’m a PC October 22, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 4:20 pm
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As noted in my Hank Moody post, we visited the Mac store recently.  TheMister won an award at work and decided he wanted a new computer–a Mac.

I think Macs are fine and cool even.  But I can’t see myself buying one.  Being married to one is going to be difficult.  When I recently purchased my new iPod and TheMister joked about getting a MacBook, I took the decals from my iPod and put one on my Toshiba laptop.

Now my laptop is failing.  The “i” key has stopped working reliably.  The power cord exploded at my feet today.  In other words, the Mac sticker cursed it.

I think TheMister should have to pay for my new computer. Him and Steve Jobs.

That just solidified my previously made decision to get a new PC LAPTOP.  Take that crazy Drew-Barrymore-dating-Mac guy.

 

Fancy New Things October 21, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 1:33 am
Tags: , , ,

As we speak, my computer has decided to wage war against me and is cultivating an army of problems.   I don’t know if it is jealous of TheMister’s old computer’s early retirement or whether I’ve just been too hard on it, but the thing is revolting.  I’d like to think this is a temporary work stoppage in order to gain bargaining power for a better contract, but I have a feeling the thing is quitting on me.  If you notice an “i” missing from a word it’s not because I forgot–it’s because the damn “i” key is sticking.

First it was my ipod.  The damn thing just stopped working randomly.  I felt bad replacing it.  I mean, the thing has been with me through law school and beyond.  But it was failing fast and I couldn’t fit all of my music on it.

Then my car was hit.  I’m not replacing it, but I’m cheating on Squishy with a 2007 Chevy Malibu (and somewhat enjoying it).

Now it’s the computer.

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m addicted to new things.  In fact,  I had a whole post dedicated to it.  But I deleted it when I realized that it’s not me needing a fix of newness, but everything just falling to pieces around me.  Usually I get a high off of new things, but lately I’m findng myself just moving on after each fix.  This is the equivalent of an alcoholic losing his taste for booze.  I have no desire to go to Target or Best Buy or even Borders.  Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t had time.  Maybe it’s because I’m in a philisophical slump deciding if this lawyering thing is what I want for the rest of my life.  Either way, I’ve become numb to the newness.  Hell, I haven’t even really used the new iPod after having loaded it.

Maybe I’ll take up drinking.

Or maybe I’ll just buy a new computer because I have to.  Ugh.

 

I’m so Hank Moody October 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 11:25 pm
Tags:

I’m writing a post in the Apple store.  Fuck me silly.

 

Who hits a car and doesn’t leave a note?!?!?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:14 am
Tags: , ,

Someone decided to smash into my car, Squishy the Neon, while parked in the street on Monday night.  They did not, however, leave a note.  Dad blames me for parking in the street.  I blame the person who hit me.  We agreed to let the blame part go.

It’s not so much the money thing because it’ll be covered by insurance, but it’s just the pain in the ass factor.  Who has time for getting estimates and insurance assesments and whatnot?  I can tell you who–someone who is sitting here at 10:13 at night purposefully writing an extra blog post instead of reading the second half of an arbitration transcript whose brief is due on Monday.  That’s who.

I’m waiting to get a break.  Instead, I continue to get broken.

 

Top Dawg

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:11 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

The anniversary trip went off…well, better than expected but not without hitches.  For God’s sake, this is my life; if I did have an uneventful weekend I think I’d die of shock.  I can say that for 75% of the time we had an exceptional time.  15% of the remainding time we had a good time.  5% of the last remaining time was alright.  5% was bad…really bad.

I think it was an omen that the area of town where my family and I stayed when we were there thirteen years ago was completely razed and built again, save a few minor things.  It was like that part of the city made a fresh start, so maybe I could too.  For the first time in a long time, when we were on the Maid of the Mist, I closed my eyes and just let the wind and water fly in my face and absorb into my skin and my mind.  It was one of those few moments where you realize that things will be okay.  Or at least you fool yourself into thinking that things will be okay.  And really, isn’t that just as good?

The night of our actual anniversary was interesting.  We had reservations at one place, but we soon realized that while the view might be good, the food was likely to suck.  So we hopped in the car and drove somewhere else to have a great dinner and a great bottle of wine.  I should have known the wine would be too much for the both of us.

After dinner we arrived at an outdoor bar where there was karaoke.  For anyone who knows me, they know that karaoke is one of my favorite things in the whole world.  The next best thing to being a rock star, is being buzzed and pretending to be one.  Whether it was the many drinks I had (seriously, don’t ask), or whether I was just on that night, I was a total hit.  I was even getting requests from the 19 year old drunk kids from across the border in the U.S.  (For the record, the selection was not great and I did “Like a Virgin,” “Natural Woman,” “Proud Mary,” and “Golddigger.”  Yes, I can sing and rap…) In fact, that’s me performing my much loved rendition of “Like a Virgin” above.  I had to represent the D (Madge and Aretha) and full figured women (Aretha).

I was on top of the world and on a buzz.  At first I thought it was a joke, but these people genuinely liked me.  After a week of being beaten down by life and work, I needed that release–standing on a stage, belting out some of my favorite tunes, and just being embraced.  Hell, even TheMister started dancing a little towards the end.  That’s a total rarity.

But then reality set in.  The Mister was, in fact, wasted.  For him, wine before Canadian beer is a deadly combination.  We walked back to the hotel, me trying to get him to stand up straight and he, trying to kill my well-deserved buzz.  He kept asking me to take him to the hospital.  I refused…he was drunk, not sick.  He continued these loud requests until we were in the room and even for a period of time thereafter, where upon I had my most rockstar moment of the night–while The Mister was passed out on the floor and things were strewn about, the hotel management knocked on the door telling us that next time it would be the police.  The Mister eventually regurgitated his expensive dinner and I finally was able to go to bed.  In the morning we were both hung over and The Mister remembered nothing of the requests for the hospital or the hotel management.  At least he cleaned up his mess in the bathroom on his own.

Meanwhile, back in the mitten, Mom and Dad were watching Rocky the Dog on his first overnight stay without us.  Dropping him off before we left was hard.  I told The Mister I didn’t know if we were going to be able to have kids because leaving the dog at my parents was hard enough.  Poor Rocky was surrounded by Amy the Hound–a puppy of about six months or so.  Amy has more energy than a nuclear powerplant and you can’t see her when she’s moving, let alone catch her.  Rocky is an easy going, older gentleman.  I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle her.

Before we left though, it became abundantly clear–Rocky might not have been young or fast, but he was top dog.  Amy had already rolled over once to show her submission and Rocky barked at her in response.  According to Mom and Dad, the dominance continued, amidst Amy’s constant pestering, all weekend.  Rocky stood his ground and when Amy got too tough, he taught her that experience has a little bit on age.

When we picked Rocky up on Monday, we drove home in near silence.  The dog was asleep and The Mister and I were hung over (and in my case majorly PMSing in addition).  When we got home, Rocky picked a spot and laid there not moving for probably 12 hours.

I guess it turns out that every dog has his day.  Rocky was top dog over Amy and I was top dog at kareoke.  But in the end, being on top only lasts for so long.  Sometimes you need someone to knock on the door and remind you that you’re a bit out of control to take a break and rest awhile.

I’m still waiting for my rest.  Rocky, on the other hand, is ready for another battle of wits and stamina.  And maybe a few more of Grandma’s many rawhide treats.

 

 
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