I finally confessed something to The Mister yesterday that I’ve hid for the past five years. I rarely admit this to anyone; not out of shame, but just out of a desire not to get into a dissertation about it, as most people disagree with me.
I really hate summer.
There. I’ve admitted it to the world and we can all move on. I can’t peg down one specific reason, but for as long as I can remember I’ve felt this time of the summer…these dog days before the school year starts, while the air conditioning is cranked high every waking moment, I just feel…exhausted and restless at the same time. It’s something that has plagued me since very young age. It’s not just the weather, it’s the emotions. In other words–it’s something far more than I can discuss without many more years of therapy.
This has made the whole house thing even harder. One of my greatest flaws is that I won’t let myself be happy or excited about something until it’s halfway over. I did the same thing with my wedding. I distanced myself from any emotions for such a long time. I have this inate fear that anytime I get happy about something, nothing good follows. So, instead of just trusting my heart, I let my brain take over and distance myself.
We’re supposed to be closing on a house this week? No big whoop. It’s actually quite stressful.
We are getting married in a week? Can’t wait until the thing is over!
Just got engaged? Yeah, but it’s over a year until we’re married.
Got accepted to law school? Yeah, but it’s just in Detroit.
I can go back through a million instances where my need to emotionally distance myself from my own happiness has struck me and those around me. The fact that this one is happening in the summer doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help that I was blessed with a vivid imagination and a knack for being overly-emotional about things. There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life that sometimes I just move on to the next one before I let the instant one sink in. God forbid I allow myself some sense of accomplishment.
At some point I have to learn that all my dreams, while all brilliant and worthwhile, are sometimes incompatible with one another. (I can’t be a brilliant appellate lawyer, college professor, book/record store owner and a full-time writer–there’s just not enough time in the day.) We pick forks in the road that lead us to new choices and not being able to go back is a good thing. Just imagine the mess we’d make if we could!
As Billy says “Dream on–but don’t imagine they’ll all come true…”
Tonight I felt a few cool breezes and I even had to put on a sweatshirt to walk the dog. I don’t know if it’s just a cold snap, a reminder of better, more self-aware times to come, or an omen. I do know, though, that my self-composed-barricades are only as good as the facade I allow them to be.
Maybe soon I’ll learn to let that facade fade away.