A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

This Message Will Self Destruct October 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:15 am
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I have been on a weird path recently.  I didn’t notice it until today, but as I drove home at an unusually early hour for the third day in a row after coming in somewhat tardy,  had to question whether I was subconciously telling myself something–I don’t know how long I can do this.

The past month of work has been ridiculously hectic.  Save the Anniversary Trip, if I didn’t live with The Mister and pass him in the halls of our home, I would not have seen him at all.  Mr. CVD and I haven’t seen each other more than once a week or even less in weeks before this week.  Yet during this time, while I felt useful and important, I didn’t necessarily feel fulfilled.  There were times when I did, but not on a constant basis in relation to all the things I was doing.

But now that things have calmed down dramatically for at least the time being, I’ve been thinking more.  If I wasn’t fulfilled by what I was doing when I was losing out on the rest of my life, what am I doing it for?

And I think that’s what my body has been telling me with the late arrivals and early departures.  Somethng in me is questioning my choices and ruining my ability to concentrate.  Instead I have these fantisiced notions of writing for a leaving (and not legal documents) and being able to write when I want, sleep when I want and live when I want.  I knew that a career in the legal field was not going to bring me those things, so why did I choose it, you ask.  I think the person that I was at the time either didn’t care what I wanted or wanted something different.

Therein lies the problem–if I’m constantly changing, constantly evolving, how do I establish myself in anythng?  Will I develop this same listlessness no matter what I do?  Will I be just as half-fulfilled in any line of work or mission in life?  And if I were truly fulfilled, would I even know it?

I have heard that anywhere from your first 3 to 10 years of practicing law are hellish.  I originally just thought that meant busy.  And yet I hear from nearly everyone I went to law school with, that the traditional legal path is either not what they expected or not what they want.  I find myself with these same concerns.  Are these things we learn to solve over time or are they things that we either learn to build an immunity against or do we just give up?  Or is there a choice that I don’t know?

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow in a motivated mood.  Maybe I’ll actually get up when my alarm goes off instead of setting it an hour forward or going to lay down on the couch.  Maybe I’ll eat a healthy breakfast and fully dry my hair.  Maybe I’ll go in early.  Maybe I’ll stay late.  Maybe I’ll make a to-do list and get everything on it done.

Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll just work my way through it, trying to find meaning, and finding nothing but empty promises. Promises that I made myself.  Promises that I believed that life made me.  Promises that I probably had no business believing in the first place.

I think the problem is that I started out my life too idealistically.  If my only goal were to make money, I guess I could just do that and survive.  But that’s never been my only goal.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I haven’t determined what those goals are yet.  And even though they may change,  I don’t think I’ve articulated a set of goals for myself in a very long time.

I love it when I find a solution to my own problem.  Or at least a pathway to a solution.  And that must be my mission, should I chose to accept it–determine what I want out of my career and my life and set up some milestones for myself.

Now back off…this message self-destructs.  I just hope that I don’t allow myself to do the same.


4 Responses to “This Message Will Self Destruct”

  1. June Saville Says:

    Hi Sam
    In my LONG life I have come to realise (for me anyway) that little things bring the most joy, and seem more reliable.
    You know – a good book, writing a story, making a beaut meal from the freshest food I can find and sharing it with a friend or family.
    Once money or ambition come into the equation things seem to become difficult. Expecting TOO much at once is sure to bring disappointment.
    Not to say that money and ambition aren’t important. They are at various times in life. But to me they’re not the be all and end all. And they’re where the pressure comes from.
    Balance is probably what it’s about.
    I reckon if you get the little things right the bigger things will follow.
    And approaching goals in a relaxed fashion will get things happening in the best possible way.
    Move aside Confuscious …
    June in Oz

  2. June Saville Says:

    PS – Thanks for dropping into Journeys in Creative Writing Sam. Welcome any time. There’s also an open door at 70 Plus and Still Kicking.blogspot.com – my blog with lots of stuff about Australian life et al.
    June in Oz

  3. Ric Says:

    Don’t sweat the small stuf….just enjoy life and the rest will happen……

  4. When I’m working, my field is high-paced, competitive and soul-sucking. Despite the rewards of saving lives, I wish I’d chosen a more mundane yet still high-paying career so I could enjoy life. I’m unemployed at the moment and if I didn’t need the $, I’d call me career as a vet over and done! Three years surely constitutes a successful career worthy of retirement, right?
    I don’t have the answer for you, since I know most lawyers work their butts off for ever and ever… but the question I ask myself is who’s going to pat me on the back when I’ve worked my life away and make me believe it was all worth it? No one – it’s not going to happen. So I better make something else work, ASAP.

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