I had the most ridiculous dream last night. It’s ridiculous in that it was so far from the truth. It’s also ridiculous because it really made me feel things.
I had this dream that I wanted to cheat on The Mister with a married man who was a coke addict and the father of two young boys. Let’s just stop there–first of all, I’m anti-cheating. Secondly, I have no desire to cheat on The Mister. Thirdly, if I were to cheat, I would find someone who wasn’t also cheating–two wrongs don’t make a right, but they can muddy things up. Fourthly, I wouldn’t cheat with someone who had kids…that’s just fucked up.
So you see, even if I were the cheating kind (which I’m not), I have some standards.
But something about this dream rattled me. I think it was the passionate sexual tension–nothing actually happened except for several close calls. I just ran around this dream like a moron trying to hook up with this guy (who I know I’ve seen somewhere and can’t place his face) and always running into trouble along the way. (You think the dream version of me would have taken this as a hint.)
That’s when I realized something: I’m much more excited about things when they exist as possibilities than when they exist as realities. This is almost always true. I was more excited about being a lawyer before I was a lawyer. I was more excited about being in a relationship before I was in a relationship. I was more excited about living by myself before (and after) living by myself. I can’t buy myself a piece of reality that holds a candle to the possibilities that can exist in my head.
This is, quite possibly, why I am a writer. I have way too many ideas to express than I could possibly bring to fruition, but more importantly, would I want them all to come to fruition anyhow?
I have an ending to this dream that I concieved while awake. It involves me finally getting what I want and realizing that it wasn’t that good. I mean, first off he’s a coke addict–that can’t be great. He was an older dude, so maybe there were some generational issues. Most importantly, I’d ruin a perfectly good marriage of love and trust to throw in my lot with a guy who clearly is a mess.
Then I realize the greatest self-defeating fact of all: I just rationalized myself out of a good sex dream. Maybe I have a problem with appreciating reality because I try so hard to rationalize everything…even my subconscious.
I can’t win for losing.
NOTE: No marriages were harmed during the making of this dream or this blog post.