A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

My World View: At Least 90% of People Are Miserable 85% of the Time August 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 6:10 pm
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I was having a heart-to-heart with The Mister Sunday night about my fears and worries and general malaise lately.  By “heart-to-heart” I mean he’d listen for a long time and then wait for an opening to tell me I worry too much and place too much emphasis on being happy.  Fair enough.  But when I was talking about how I’m feeling unfulfilled with my work lately (and I almost cringe to type that on the work computer), he had a mind blowing comment for me.

“It’s work–no one is happy all the time.”

Is that true?  Is there no one out there that can be content 100% or even 90% of the time at work?  I guess for the longest time I’ve been laboring under the undeniably lofty perspective that people should do things that make them happy for a living.  Was I wrong?  I know Mr. CVD told me the same thing prior that week, but he’s at least as pessimistic as I am, if not moreso, and I didn’t know whether to chalk it up to the truth or to a bad day.

I feel as if I’ve undergone a paradigm shift trying to incorporate this into my life.  I sat there on our bed trying to contemplate a life wherein I decide to forgo happiness for financial security.  Some people are capable of this, for sure.  I am pretty certain that I’m not that strong.

So I took a deep breath and responded.

“If everyone is miserable 85% of the time, why do we even bother?”

He didn’t have an answer.  At least he left that conversation as nonplussed as I was.  That, in and of itself, may be the victory to be had here.

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It’s Wanting More That’s Gonna Send Me To My Knees July 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:32 am
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We made an offer on that cute little house tonight.  That cute as a button “pottery barn ranch”.

Why can’t I be as excited as I was last night?  This always happens to me with things of this nature.  I get really excited for awhile and then I realize that it’s not instant gratification and so I kind of falter.  I feel like I have to pace my excitement for some sort of Happiness-Marathon.  I can’t blow my wad (so to speak) right now.  It’s just an offer.

I’m like this with so many things.  I want to make the offer and immediately move into the house.  I wanted to start law school and immediately be sworn into the bar.  I wanted to have a first date and immediately be in a committed relationship.  My faults are many, but this is surely one of the bigger ones.  I just can’t be happy enough.

I’m learning that I’m doing that with things at work.  I get excited about a case but unless we’re going to argue a motion the next day, I soon lose interest.  At the same time, the more rational side of me is trying to unlearn this behavior.  It’s no good for me and I’m certain it’s no fun for the people around me.  I am pretty sure that I detected our agent’s sense of my immediate turn from cautiously-excited to reservedly-cautious after we signed the last piece of paper.  Somewhere between the first and the last page, the novelty of it wore off.  Why?  Because we have to wait.

Waiting is going to be one of those big lessons of my life.

For background’s sake, I believe we are all born with certain issues and raised with certain others and our goal in life is to overcome or master those issues.  In no particular order, here are a list of mine:

1.  I can’t allow myself to be content. (See here.)

2.  I don’t like waiting for things to get interesting.

3.  I have class issues.

4.  I often let my mood dictate the outcome of things. (Sort of an anti-“The Secret” principle.)

5.  I have to have a plan at all turns.

6.  I get bored easily.

7.  I don’t always like to follow through.

8.  I need too much reassurance of my place in people’s lives.

9.  I’m constantly on the lookout for the next Big Bad Thing.

10.  I allow my anxiety to get the best of me.

There. Now it’s out and on the table.  I could deal with it tonight, but I’m not ready to come to terms with #7 yet and dealing with this would settle my score with #7.  Why spoil the fun of a lifetime of procrastination with a night of self-realization?  I’m a handful of clay to be molded.  Why start working on it tonight and spoil the fun of tomorrow?