A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

Placebo Effect July 30, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:26 am
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I’ve been in an intermediate-level funk lately.  Nothing to call up the therapist multiple times a week about; but still nothing to sneeze at.  At first I thought it was job stress coupled with the house.  While those may be contributing factors, I realized today what probably plays a large role in this funk of mediocritic proportions–I have forgotten to refill my medecine.

This sounds simple.  So many people in this country rely way too heavily on mood medecine to get through daily life.  I can safely say that I’m not one of those people.  See, I’ve been on one form of mood med since I was a very young adolecent.  Though I’ve tried to escape the family curse of anxiety and depression (and much worse things), it seems I caught the bug nonetheless.  That bug can be contained though, if I do the right things.  Which I usually do.

But it’s been summer and I’ve been busy and I’m notoriously lazy at getting medecine refilled.  It’s almost a blessing sometimes that I am reproductively challenged, because it’s been far too often that my birth control has sat in the Walgreens pharmacy when it should be in my kitchen drawer.

So tonight I picked up my medecine.

But that wasn’t all.  I also met up with an old friend.  It was really nice and it was great catching up with her.  I have fun just talking to her and wish we were closer than we are, both physically and emotionally, a lot of times.  As good as it was, it was the change of pace that made me snap out of it.  I’ve been listening to certain mood music for weeks now–trying to find a deeper meaning to the things I’ve been feeling.  It’s come to the place where I’ve been anaylzing so much that I’ve forgotten to live.  Breaking the monotony of my life (or even placing something in its hectic path) actually did a helluva lot of good tonight.  Though I had planned to listen to certain Mood Songs on the way back home (e.g., Billy Joel’s “Vienna”), I got in the car and realized that I had been doing too much to feed my moods and too little to actually get them under any sort of control.  In my quest to find meaning I’ve made a mess.  A medium sized mess.  It’s like a value-meal size mess.  I didn’t supersize it, but I did get the fries.

So starting tonight I’m taking my medecine–both physically and mentally–and giving myself a break.  I can’t possibly plan out a lifetime of happiness each and every day. Tonight, I will relax.

Tomorrow, I’ll start again.

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It’s Wanting More That’s Gonna Send Me To My Knees July 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:32 am
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We made an offer on that cute little house tonight.  That cute as a button “pottery barn ranch”.

Why can’t I be as excited as I was last night?  This always happens to me with things of this nature.  I get really excited for awhile and then I realize that it’s not instant gratification and so I kind of falter.  I feel like I have to pace my excitement for some sort of Happiness-Marathon.  I can’t blow my wad (so to speak) right now.  It’s just an offer.

I’m like this with so many things.  I want to make the offer and immediately move into the house.  I wanted to start law school and immediately be sworn into the bar.  I wanted to have a first date and immediately be in a committed relationship.  My faults are many, but this is surely one of the bigger ones.  I just can’t be happy enough.

I’m learning that I’m doing that with things at work.  I get excited about a case but unless we’re going to argue a motion the next day, I soon lose interest.  At the same time, the more rational side of me is trying to unlearn this behavior.  It’s no good for me and I’m certain it’s no fun for the people around me.  I am pretty sure that I detected our agent’s sense of my immediate turn from cautiously-excited to reservedly-cautious after we signed the last piece of paper.  Somewhere between the first and the last page, the novelty of it wore off.  Why?  Because we have to wait.

Waiting is going to be one of those big lessons of my life.

For background’s sake, I believe we are all born with certain issues and raised with certain others and our goal in life is to overcome or master those issues.  In no particular order, here are a list of mine:

1.  I can’t allow myself to be content. (See here.)

2.  I don’t like waiting for things to get interesting.

3.  I have class issues.

4.  I often let my mood dictate the outcome of things. (Sort of an anti-“The Secret” principle.)

5.  I have to have a plan at all turns.

6.  I get bored easily.

7.  I don’t always like to follow through.

8.  I need too much reassurance of my place in people’s lives.

9.  I’m constantly on the lookout for the next Big Bad Thing.

10.  I allow my anxiety to get the best of me.

There. Now it’s out and on the table.  I could deal with it tonight, but I’m not ready to come to terms with #7 yet and dealing with this would settle my score with #7.  Why spoil the fun of a lifetime of procrastination with a night of self-realization?  I’m a handful of clay to be molded.  Why start working on it tonight and spoil the fun of tomorrow?