A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

Remember What I Said About Blessings and Curses? September 15, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:36 pm
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Though I haven’t blogged about it here for fear that he’d finally read my blog, I had been planning a surprise 30th Birthday Party for The Mister for a few weeks now. It’s been one other thing to add to the stress that has been the move, my work, etc. as of late. But it was also necessary.  The Mister hasn’t had the best birthdays growing up and it was about time for him to have a good one.  It was also kind of a housewarming as it was the first party in our new place.  So I had to get things organized to a state where people could come over.

Mr. CVD and Mr. RMB were part of my plot to get The Mister out of the house while Mom, Dad and others helped prepare the place, welcome guests and hide to surprise him.  The events of the night were unfolding either according to plan or better than the plan could provide.  It was surreal.  For those who know TheMister, you know that he can be stubborn and can throw a fit about doing things like you’ve never seen.  So I was afraid he’d be throwing a fit about our mock plans or something along the way.  But the Universe was preparing me for a great fall and allowed the events of the night to unfold somewhat perfectly.  The Mister was compliant with the ruse and the timing was perfect.  The Mister was very surprised to see his friends and family in his Man Den Basement hiding for him. The only thing that was not cooperating was the weather–it was raining for two days straight at that point. But what the heck, we have a house and a covered porch.  Life was good.

In other words:  all was too well with the world.

Shortly after the party started, Mr. CVD comes upstairs and informs me that the basement bathroom is flooded.  Sure as shit (pardon the pun, but I feel it necessary to comfort myself with literary techniques), the water was everywhere and moving towards the bathroom door.  The folks that were crammed into my basement because of the rain were soon pushed out by the flood waters which started escaping the lavatory.  Dad was trying to contain the problem and for about ten minutes we thought he was successful.

Fate had other plans.

Soon thereafter, The Mister’s mood turned from celebratory to frustrated and then frustrated to irrate.  Our guests began to leave just as the festivities were really getting underway.  The water continued to come out and a plumber was required.  Said another way, we had curses coming our way.

The night could only get better, right?

Well, the plumber comes out and snakes the main drain.  At one point a weird noise comes from the drain as the machine winds more and more cord down the pipes (that’s what she said).  It sounded like a dragon hiccuping or a baby turning inside out.  The plumber informed us that the problem was not over.  In fact, the $185 it had cost us was only a drop in the bucket.  We have tree roots in our line to the sewer…something that requires excavation and major repairs to fix and something you can’t just remedy with a series of quick fixes.  His estimate–about $1850.

As The Mister and Dad finished up with the plumber, a buzzed Mr. CVD and I took Mom’s minivan (her “pride and joy” as Mr. CVD joked) and attempted to go to Meijer, Michigan’s all-hours superstore, as The Mister insisted they had carpet cleaners for rent.  Though Mr. CVD and I doubted it, when we arrived at the Meijer approximately 3 miles from the house, it turns out he was right.  So we ask the soon-to-be-discovered-as-inept kid at the service counter to help us procure such a magic machine.  He looks at us like we’re from outerspace.  The machines are sitting about five feet from him, yet the concept is completely foreign.

“I don’t know if we rent those,” he says.

Mr. CVD and I look at each other as only we can understand.

“They’re right there,” one of us replies.

He then fumbles around for someone else to help us.  Then comes this brilliant revelation.

“The day shift must have taken the key, sorry.”

Mr. CVD, in his slightly inebriated state says “The Day Shift would take the key.  You know how those Day Shifts are.”

So we stood there for about five minutes while he tried to figure out what to do.  Finally we ask if the other store which is about 5 miles away from the house has such a rental system.  I’m not sure what confused him more–the rental, the fact we asked for another store’s abilities or just life in general–but it required an older employee to help him figure out how to lift the receivier and call the store.

Sure enough, the other store had them. The catch?  We had to be there by 11.  It was 10:25.

So Mr. CVD mount up into the Minivan and start out on the second part of our journey.  That’s when the hunger pangs hit.  I had about half of a half of a sandwich and a pickle spear.  I was starvin’ like Marvin and the four drinks I had in me made it difficult to control that hunger.  So we made our secret (but now exposed due to this blog post) stop at McDonalds on the way.  If The Mister knew, he’d be pissed.  But I didn’t care.  I was about ready to pass out.

We get to the other store and, for a change, the clerk was quite helpful.  I mean, it still took forever, but she was helpful.  (Side note to self:  write her manager a letter, I’m sure she doesn’t get enough praise for being the only employee at Meijer to give a damn.)

We get back and Mr. CVD insists on doing the cleaning.  So that’s what’s done.  I drive him home.  I get to bed around 2 a.m.  tired as can be.

The best part of this?  Today is my birthday.  And although I have an excuse to work from home for the time being, I’m still going to be out about two grand and I can’t wash clothes or use the dishwasher for a few days at least.  I was told to limit my bathroom use and showers, but honestly, they can bite me.

The blessing of having The Mister be compliant when I needed it most was tempered by the curse of a faulty plumbing system.  I’m telling you–I cannot make this stuff up.  My life is a series of checks and balances in which I’m constantly laying in wait for the next turn of my luck.

The good news is that I should be in for some good news.  The bad news is that there’s probably bad news to swallow soon thereafter.  I guess what they say is true: “you take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there you have the facts of life….the facts of life.”  Too bad there’s no half-hour time limit on the saga of my life.


Happy Birthday, Mr. CVD September 11, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:35 pm
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Today is the 27th anniversary of the date of the birth of the Will to my Grace, Mr. CVD.  (The Mister would have had a post like this if he actually read my blog.  I bet he’s jealous.)

So, in honor of Mr. CVD’s birthday, here is a digital reinactment of the best birthday card ever.

Kylie Minogue–$5,000,000

Katie Holmes–$20,000 (that’s right)



Melanie Griffith–Priceless


Eight Gold Medals I Could Win Easily August 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:20 am
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In honor of Michael Phelps’ historic eighth single-session gold medal, I figured I’d take a dive into the proverbial pool.  So for your reading enjoyment, here are eight things not normally found in the Olympics that I have mastered well-enough to earn me the gold.

  1. Drinking water. I know, everyone drinks water. This is an easy one.  But honestly, I drink more water than anyone I know.  I’m constantly drinking water.  I feel uncomfortable if I don’t have a bottle of water on me.  I know every kind of bottled water and could rank them for you in a second (perhaps a sub-skill).  If there were a contest for the amount of water ingested in a day, I could totally bring home a world record.
  2. Laughing. Many people have seen me laugh and can attest to the fact that if I get a good one going, there’s no stopping me.  I’ll often be seen laughing myself square into the midst of a full-blown asthma attack.  Couple this with a beverage (water anyone?) and you have yourself a hardcore spectacle–that is, if I don’t die first.  And I haven’t yet…
  3. Sleeping. I can sleep through a freight train coming through my bedroom window with Gilbert Godfrey as the conductor, yelling in my ear.  In fact, one time, The Mister, wanting me to accompany him to the movies, attempted to wake me during a nap.  He claims (and I have no reason to doubt) that he even went so far as to sit on top of me and literally lift my upper body off of the bed.  I mumbled that I’d be right there and promptly fell back asleep.  For nine more hours.  Things that have gone on while I’ve been asleep: tornadoes, domestic disturbances, roller coasters, etc.  Nothing can keep me from a good set of Zs.
  4. Being a sucker for animals. Even animals I don’t care for (read: rats, possums, etc.) hold a soft spot in my heart.  I’m one of those people who in the midst of a national tragedy, feels worse for the pets left behind and other animals than the humans.  Don’t ask me why, I just do.  Perhaps it has something to do with their innocence or the fact that we control their destiny to begin with, but either way, if you want me to do something, throw an animal into the mix in the right direction and you’ve got yourself a deal. My pets eat better than I ever will.  My betta fish swims in a $65 tank.  Tell me who loves the animals?
  5. Smell. It’s a good thing I have a decent sense of smell.  It makes up for my lack of good eyesight and hearing.  I can smell something cooking a mile away.  There’s a fire three miles from here?  I’ve already smelled the burning for the past ten minutes–catch up!  This is a double-edged sword, though.  I can’t eat anything on or past an expiration date because of not only the mental anguish it puts me through, but the smallest hint of sourness leads me to cringe.  Even products approaching a sell-by date are questionable.  I didn’t eat a yogurt Saturday that went bad on Sunday.  What does that tell you?
  6. Naming That Tune. Almost any radio station you turn to, I can tell you the song that is on within a few short notes.  In fact, I can probably start singing (or rapping, as the case may be) right along with it in a matter of seconds.  How do I know all of these songs?  Music sticks to me like Sandra Day O’Connor at an ascot sale.  It’s a gift.
  7. Getting Kids to Like Me. I have never met a kid that doesn’t love me.  Why?  Because I have that child-like spirit, a sense of what kids want, and an insatiable desire to please.  Kids love that shit.  They also love a self-deprecating sense of humor.  Kids think it’s hilarious to hit me or make me fall…and I let them.  A child’s appreciation is priceless.  A few stitches are only a co-pay away.
  8. Sense of Timing. And I mean this in the “Murphy’s Law” way, not in a good way.  When I got married last year, my Dad threatened to place me in bubble wrap for the week prior to my wedding and roll me down the aisle in a wagon to prevent injury.  Nevertheless, I sprained my knee, had a cold and managed to scratch my eye so I couldn’t wear my contacts.  This stuff has been going on forever.  I was asked to emcee a major event in college.  So I got the stomach flu for the first time in years.  I had a major role in my last high school play and, alas (poor Yorrick), I tore the tendons in my ankle–leaving permanent damage, mind you.  In fact, these things are so common Mr. CVD often responds with “that seems about right.”  Too true.

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Note to Self: Things Appear Easier Than They Are August 18, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:53 am
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We closed on our house Thursday.  After a minor (yes, only minor) meltdown, I was off to the races to pick paint colors.  I’ve been living in white and beige apartments so long that my heart called out to a color–any color–to save it.  “Please Mr. Yellow (yes, Yellow is male), please help me.”  (Mr. Yellow didn’t win out so far.  Mr. Green and Ms. Blue did.  And yes, Blue is female.  Take that patriarchy!)

So Friday after I got an obligatory appearance at work out of the way, I dove into some painting clothes and into a project I didn’t understand the depths of until it was too far underway to stop it.  I’ve painted before–but never on my own.  I’ve never planned the project, bought the materials and followed through until the end.  I’ve just hopped in and out where I’ve felt like it and watched the rest unfold (or stand still as it did so many times in my home growing up) and pitched in where I felt the urge.  No one reminded me of that prior to engaging in this project.  Suffice it to say that by Friday afternoon I was awash in a sea of questions, doubts and misgivings.

But with help from Mom and Dad and Mr. CVD, my two first painting projects–our living room and our bedroom–are 90% complete.  And looking mighty fine, if I do say so myself (and I do).

These projects and my lack of preparation got me thinking that this is more than just a happenstance along the way of life.  It reminded me that this, in fact, is the way I approach most things.  I kind of plow into them head-first and ask questions later. One day when I was about fifteen I was sick of all of the posters and pictures on my wall. So I tore them and all of my wallpaper down.  I decided yellow was a good color and convinced my parents to invest in the project.  Months later, sleeping in a bedroom with the furniture perpetually pushed together so people could work on the walls, I quesitoned my committment and allowed them to finish the project.

I could probably think of countless projects like my childhood bedroom where I was anxious to start, blessed with grand ambitions, but frightfully lacking in the follow-through department.

That’s not the point of this tale, though.

The point is that for once, I’m close to finishing something. Granted, I have had help, but damn it, I’m on my way to seeing a project through from conception to completion, having been there every step of the way.  It’s not just a blue bedroom and a green living room that I have to look forward to–it’s the knowledge that I can complete a project without getting so frustrated as to throw the towel in, abandoning all hope of completing it.

I’ll take the small victories where I can have them.  And this, I’d say, is a medium sized one at worst and a good start on a larger one at best.

I’ve picked out a few colors for my spare bedroom/writing room.  If I start and complete that, we’ll claim another victory for the soul.


The Movies and Songs of My Life July 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 9:54 pm
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I often get razzed by my friends (Mr. CVD in particular) when I bring this up.  I don’t have favorite songs or movies–I have songs and movies Of My Life.

Here’s the deal:  We have too many changes in our lives to have just one movie or song that sums it all up.  (And if you don’t you’re either dead or not living right.)  Over the years I have collected a long and meaningful list of these memory-inspiring pieces of media.  For a small example, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac was a Song of My Life (“SOML”) during my transition from high school to college.  It’s not a song I want to listen to all the time, but it represents something to me.

So as a way of explaining away some of my neurotic tendancies, I plan on exposing my SOML and MOML to the world.  Maybe you have some of the same…maybe you don’t.  But in any event, if you must try and capture a part of your life, why not do it with a bit of flair?