A Perfectly Cursed Life

Because Blessings Are Overrated

This Message Will Self Destruct October 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 3:15 am
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I have been on a weird path recently.  I didn’t notice it until today, but as I drove home at an unusually early hour for the third day in a row after coming in somewhat tardy,  had to question whether I was subconciously telling myself something–I don’t know how long I can do this.

The past month of work has been ridiculously hectic.  Save the Anniversary Trip, if I didn’t live with The Mister and pass him in the halls of our home, I would not have seen him at all.  Mr. CVD and I haven’t seen each other more than once a week or even less in weeks before this week.  Yet during this time, while I felt useful and important, I didn’t necessarily feel fulfilled.  There were times when I did, but not on a constant basis in relation to all the things I was doing.

But now that things have calmed down dramatically for at least the time being, I’ve been thinking more.  If I wasn’t fulfilled by what I was doing when I was losing out on the rest of my life, what am I doing it for?

And I think that’s what my body has been telling me with the late arrivals and early departures.  Somethng in me is questioning my choices and ruining my ability to concentrate.  Instead I have these fantisiced notions of writing for a leaving (and not legal documents) and being able to write when I want, sleep when I want and live when I want.  I knew that a career in the legal field was not going to bring me those things, so why did I choose it, you ask.  I think the person that I was at the time either didn’t care what I wanted or wanted something different.

Therein lies the problem–if I’m constantly changing, constantly evolving, how do I establish myself in anythng?  Will I develop this same listlessness no matter what I do?  Will I be just as half-fulfilled in any line of work or mission in life?  And if I were truly fulfilled, would I even know it?

I have heard that anywhere from your first 3 to 10 years of practicing law are hellish.  I originally just thought that meant busy.  And yet I hear from nearly everyone I went to law school with, that the traditional legal path is either not what they expected or not what they want.  I find myself with these same concerns.  Are these things we learn to solve over time or are they things that we either learn to build an immunity against or do we just give up?  Or is there a choice that I don’t know?

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow in a motivated mood.  Maybe I’ll actually get up when my alarm goes off instead of setting it an hour forward or going to lay down on the couch.  Maybe I’ll eat a healthy breakfast and fully dry my hair.  Maybe I’ll go in early.  Maybe I’ll stay late.  Maybe I’ll make a to-do list and get everything on it done.

Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll just work my way through it, trying to find meaning, and finding nothing but empty promises. Promises that I made myself.  Promises that I believed that life made me.  Promises that I probably had no business believing in the first place.

I think the problem is that I started out my life too idealistically.  If my only goal were to make money, I guess I could just do that and survive.  But that’s never been my only goal.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I haven’t determined what those goals are yet.  And even though they may change,  I don’t think I’ve articulated a set of goals for myself in a very long time.

I love it when I find a solution to my own problem.  Or at least a pathway to a solution.  And that must be my mission, should I chose to accept it–determine what I want out of my career and my life and set up some milestones for myself.

Now back off…this message self-destructs.  I just hope that I don’t allow myself to do the same.


My Own Personal Bailout September 25, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 2:01 am
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The world is coming to an end…Clay Aiken revealed he’s gay (shock) and McCain suspended his campaign, for what I assume will be a very short time (actual shock).  The financial crisis has everyone by the short hairs though, wondering what will happen to our way of living.

So in that vein, I propose, my own personal bailout.

  1. I would like a job that is steady in work, but not over or underwhelming.
  2. I would like time to actually clean my kitchen.  I don’t want to do it.  I just want to have the time.
  3. I demand time to actually see The Mister.  He works afternoons and we see each other in passing, save one day a week.  It’s easy some weeks like this when I’m busier than a cat in heat. But I feel as if I’ve been a bad partner…and I don’t like the self-imposed guilt.
  4. I will accept oversight on my finances.  In fact, if someone could just take care of that, I’d be thrilled.
  5. I call for regulating my meals.  I’d like to get at least two, if not three, square meals a day.
  6. I move for a delay in having to do things…I’d debate someone, but I’d like a delay in, say, paying my mortgage.

So there’s six ideas for a good start to a personal bailout.  Something tells me no one is going to get on board with this.


Do You Work For A Lawyer? August 28, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 7:27 pm
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That’s the question I was asked as I was paying for my lunch at Ram’s Horn today.  (Hey, don’t knock it.  A breakfast-lunch is delicious.)  Apparently if you carry a legal pad and some papers with you, you must be an employee of a law firm or other legal organization.

Now, I know the guy wasn’t trying to be sassy or cute, but at the same time I felt a bit peeved. I am a damn lawyer.  Granted, I’m young, but I couldn’t help but think this had something to do with the fact that I am a young woman.  I’m usually not quick to see these gender-biases in my own life, but I just have a feeling that if I were male, this comment would have been different.

This is the first time I have looked so young as to be confused for someone not my senior.  It’s a weird thing, but most often people think I’m older than I am.  Not so much for my appearance, but because I don’t act my age.  I’m an old soul, I suppose.  But this comment took me by surprise.  Do I work for a lawyer?  Yeah–me.  (Truth be told, I work for five partners who are lawyers, but that’s a technicality.)

I’m still kind of dumbfounded.  I should probably just drop it from my brain and think about other things (like the mountain of work I need to get done by tomorrow), but I can’t seem to shake it.  I often get this feeling like I’m playing pretend.  It’s faded some over the year since I started here, but some days it’s hard to believe that I am, in fact, a lawyer.  Some days, I just feel as if this is an out-of-body experience where I’m watching myself dress up and push around papers for effect’s sake.  I wonder if the young version of me were to see me what she would think.Am I cool enough for her?  Am I what she wanted to be?

But in any event, no matter what she would think, the truth is I am a lawyer.  For better or for worse, I have thrown my hat into the legal ring.

And I’ll be damned if I let some Ram’s Horn cashier take me down a peg because I’m young or female.


My World View: At Least 90% of People Are Miserable 85% of the Time August 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 6:10 pm
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I was having a heart-to-heart with The Mister Sunday night about my fears and worries and general malaise lately.  By “heart-to-heart” I mean he’d listen for a long time and then wait for an opening to tell me I worry too much and place too much emphasis on being happy.  Fair enough.  But when I was talking about how I’m feeling unfulfilled with my work lately (and I almost cringe to type that on the work computer), he had a mind blowing comment for me.

“It’s work–no one is happy all the time.”

Is that true?  Is there no one out there that can be content 100% or even 90% of the time at work?  I guess for the longest time I’ve been laboring under the undeniably lofty perspective that people should do things that make them happy for a living.  Was I wrong?  I know Mr. CVD told me the same thing prior that week, but he’s at least as pessimistic as I am, if not moreso, and I didn’t know whether to chalk it up to the truth or to a bad day.

I feel as if I’ve undergone a paradigm shift trying to incorporate this into my life.  I sat there on our bed trying to contemplate a life wherein I decide to forgo happiness for financial security.  Some people are capable of this, for sure.  I am pretty certain that I’m not that strong.

So I took a deep breath and responded.

“If everyone is miserable 85% of the time, why do we even bother?”

He didn’t have an answer.  At least he left that conversation as nonplussed as I was.  That, in and of itself, may be the victory to be had here.


My Sense of Smell August 4, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kimwithak @ 7:22 pm
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For the better part of a day, I’ve been craving an apple.  Not just any apple–a big red macintosh apple cut up into pieces for me to devour in an easy manner. I thought this was because the secretary that sits outside of my office had an apple.  I wondered how an apple so small could create such a big fragrance that would have me, sitting in my office, drooling over its delicious scent.

Then I remembered…I put an air freshener in here today (my office often stinks for some unknown reason).  The scent?  Macintosh Apple.

Sometimes it takes me awhile to be as clever as the average bear.