I have been on a weird path recently. I didn’t notice it until today, but as I drove home at an unusually early hour for the third day in a row after coming in somewhat tardy, had to question whether I was subconciously telling myself something–I don’t know how long I can do this.
The past month of work has been ridiculously hectic. Save the Anniversary Trip, if I didn’t live with The Mister and pass him in the halls of our home, I would not have seen him at all. Mr. CVD and I haven’t seen each other more than once a week or even less in weeks before this week. Yet during this time, while I felt useful and important, I didn’t necessarily feel fulfilled. There were times when I did, but not on a constant basis in relation to all the things I was doing.
But now that things have calmed down dramatically for at least the time being, I’ve been thinking more. If I wasn’t fulfilled by what I was doing when I was losing out on the rest of my life, what am I doing it for?
And I think that’s what my body has been telling me with the late arrivals and early departures. Somethng in me is questioning my choices and ruining my ability to concentrate. Instead I have these fantisiced notions of writing for a leaving (and not legal documents) and being able to write when I want, sleep when I want and live when I want. I knew that a career in the legal field was not going to bring me those things, so why did I choose it, you ask. I think the person that I was at the time either didn’t care what I wanted or wanted something different.
Therein lies the problem–if I’m constantly changing, constantly evolving, how do I establish myself in anythng? Will I develop this same listlessness no matter what I do? Will I be just as half-fulfilled in any line of work or mission in life? And if I were truly fulfilled, would I even know it?
I have heard that anywhere from your first 3 to 10 years of practicing law are hellish. I originally just thought that meant busy. And yet I hear from nearly everyone I went to law school with, that the traditional legal path is either not what they expected or not what they want. I find myself with these same concerns. Are these things we learn to solve over time or are they things that we either learn to build an immunity against or do we just give up? Or is there a choice that I don’t know?
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow in a motivated mood. Maybe I’ll actually get up when my alarm goes off instead of setting it an hour forward or going to lay down on the couch. Maybe I’ll eat a healthy breakfast and fully dry my hair. Maybe I’ll go in early. Maybe I’ll stay late. Maybe I’ll make a to-do list and get everything on it done.
Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll just work my way through it, trying to find meaning, and finding nothing but empty promises. Promises that I made myself. Promises that I believed that life made me. Promises that I probably had no business believing in the first place.
I think the problem is that I started out my life too idealistically. If my only goal were to make money, I guess I could just do that and survive. But that’s never been my only goal. Maybe that’s the problem. I haven’t determined what those goals are yet. And even though they may change, I don’t think I’ve articulated a set of goals for myself in a very long time.
I love it when I find a solution to my own problem. Or at least a pathway to a solution. And that must be my mission, should I chose to accept it–determine what I want out of my career and my life and set up some milestones for myself.
Now back off…this message self-destructs. I just hope that I don’t allow myself to do the same.